lust has no mercy

I read people like open books and it makes me wish I was illiterate.

You told me I was right.
I was right about you being a self centred cow.
You apologised and promised to change
But that only lasted a day.

I was always truthful to you
I could never lie to someone I loved and admired.
I admired your sporting talents, but most of all your personality.
I was infatuated with it.
I thought it was beautiful and honest and happy and funny and intelligent.
I knew when I saw you, you had to be my friend.

Well. Fuck that.

I put a shitload of effort.
I used to care that you didn’t bother with me.
As soon as you found someone better - well fuck me.
You always said I could hang out with you, but you never attempted to make it comfortable for me.
You would tell me about mikayla and how shitty she would get.
You never tried to make me comfortable.
You never attempted to spend time with me, and if you did I would hear about how much of an inconvenience it was for the days to come.

I used to look to look up to you.

This is going to sound fucked up and it does to me to - now;
You were beautiful; I wasn’t
You were confident; I wasn’t
You were talented; I wasn’t
You were sporty; I wasn’t
You were funny; I wasn’t
You had friends; I didn’t

I know I have been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable and I’m not going to deny it.
You have helped me through many a times.
It’s not longer worth it.
You grew flowers in my rib cage and they were sure as fuck beautiful, just like you, but it made hard as fuck to breathe.
I’m cutting these flowers out of me, and I never hope to grow more.

You gave me the shortest answers, blank stares and rude remarks. Everytime I talked to you, I felt like I was bothering you.
I thought you were more than the popular stuck up bitch. I always defended you when people bitched about what a bitch you were. And when people would say you were unattractive I would little slap them across the face.
I now know you’ve never done anything like that for me.

And fuck me it’s going to hurt.
But no where near as much as trying to start a conversation and getting no reply.

It’s always hard to know whether to try harder or stop trying.

- a 400 word story for someone I know

You care what they are thinking. But they’re never thinking.


I just don’t know what to say because your the only person that is truthful with me. I know how I act and everything you wrote is a perfect description of how I act towards people. But you’re the only person to ever tell me. You’re the only person who is truthful to me. And I’m grateful for that but I don’t tell you that enough. In fact I don’t tell you jack shit. And yet you still know more about me than anyone. And I’m lucky to have you in my life but I don’t show it, I don’t thank you for it I just take it all for granted that I have someone who is always there for me and always listening and caring for me. I listen to you aswell. I really do. I’ve never said a single word to her and yet I hate her do much just from what you have told me about her even though I hate talking about her. Because she seems like a bitch and I don’t want to talk about bitches even though I’m the biggest one. I also listen to you about your dad and even though I know I can never fully understand how you feel about him and how you would feel without him I often have dreams about not having my parents and I wake up at 3 in hysterics worried sick that I would lose one of them or never see one again or never even know them and I try to care for you but I just don’t know what to say because I don’t know how you feel I can imagine how you feel but I can’t feel it. And it shits me to death when you tell me about your coach because she sounds like a bitch but again I can’t do anything about it. And I don’t know what to say. I’m bad with my words unless it’s about me and I need to change that. And I’m sorry. Please don’t take this as a sympathy vote or anything because I’m not trying to be sympathetic and earn like empathy votes for what I just said I truly am sorry I’m not a good friend.

I have cuts on my tongue from the wounded words I’ve never said.

I always had to start the conversations, I always had to initiate everything.
You were very special to me, you were my closest friend. You knew more about me than anyone and always convinced me to let you in.
I used to tell you everything and I would get jack shit back from it.
I would approach you about that fact, but you would always brush me off.
Was it because you wanted another Instagram follower?
Another person to kik when you were lonely because everyone that you thought was better than me was busy?
It has taken me a while but I have finally realised that it’s not worth moving mountains for someone who won’t jump over a puddle for you.
I say that like its easy, but I know it’s not.
It’s going to be hard to forget you and I wanted to make it clear that I don’t hate you. You have taught me so much. You have taught me what it’s like to have a shitty friend and how sometimes you just need to eradicate the toxic people from your life.
Mummy always said people are either a blessing or a lesson.
You were a lesson.

I drive around the city every night
because I miss you.
When I see sirens
I wonder what you’ve done.
I read the obituaries every morning
because I miss you.
You don’t know when to quit
and soon you’ll be gone.
I visit the library every afternoon
because I miss you.
There is a book keeper 
who could be your twin.
I search Instagram every evening
because I miss you.
I don’t even know your name
so I’ll never find you again.

i want a best friend who i can share all my feelings and secrets to without being judged. someone who i can hang out with regardless of having plans or not. someone who can accept me and all my imperfections and tell it to me straight when needed.

lol, ok.

I would really appreciate a good solid female friend in my life. Someone I can go shopping with, someone I could go get my nails done with, someone i can express my problems with, someone who would allow me to be the godmother of her children, someone who will accept my likes and interests, someone who is just as open-minded and care free like myself, someone who is funny, someone who wants to hang out with me and watch movies and cry over cute sappy scenes or someone who will yell at the stupid ppl in scary movies with me, someone who would always want to be by my side, someone who i can eventually call sister and not just best friend, just over all someone I can do best friend shit with. Until I find that perfect bestie. Forever alone.

He learned my secrets
And then he left